Jokes & Riddles
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Jokes & Riddles |
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DOG
PRAYERS: Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. I will not throw up in the car. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. I will not sit in the middle of the living room & lick my crotch when company is over. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. Dear God, May I have my testicles back? :)) |
If a dog were a teacher ... If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. |
| PHONE
PROBLEM: An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning. |
IF
I DIDN'T HAVE ANIMALS (Author Unknown)
I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety. My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated. All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair. When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like the kennels. When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there. I could sit on the couch the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable. I would not have strange presents under my Christmas tree -- dog bones, stuffed animals, nor would I have to answer to people why I wrap them. I would not be on a first-name basis with three veterinarians. The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave him/her/it ALONE. My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers. My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash. I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L-, F-R-I-S-B-E-E, or W-A-L-K. I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside. I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog ties them down too much. I'd look forward to spring and the melting of snow instead of dreading mud season. I would not have to answer the question Why do you have so many dogs from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever get. How empty my life would be. |
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PET RULES
To be posted
VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All
Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About
Our Pets:
1. They live
here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: 1. Eat less 2. Don't ask for money all the time 3. Are easier to train 4. Normally come when called 5. Never ask to drive the car 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends 7. Don't smoke or drink 8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions 9. Don't want to wear your clothes 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children |
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous. Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ??? |
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The Truth about
Dogs...
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PEEPING TOM
This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment,
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